Saturday, April 29, 2006Dear Mike,
Something has happened that caused a change in our relationship. Maybe it's because of that issue. I have been having extreme mood swings for the past couple of weeks, alternating between being upset and being pissed off, neither of which is a positive emotion. You knew something was wrong, but neither of us could exactly pinpoint the root of the problem.
When was the last time I've called you my Baby? When was the last time we've actually met up? When was the last time we had a decent phone conversation? When was the last time I smiled as I drifted off to lalaland, thinking of you? How long more do I have to console myself that it was because you were really busy and I should be supportive and understanding? How long more do I have to keep up with the pretense that I'm okay and everything is fine when I'm not?
Anger is like this hot molten lava simmering within a dormant volcano, waiting to erupt. I am hurting inside but yet I can't say anything. I don't want to rant and rave at you. I can only vent out my frustration by sobbing everynight in bed. I'm even starting to lose sleep. Am I on the brink of insanity?
This cannot go on. I don't want to stay up till 2a.m each day to make sure you are home safe and sound. I wish I can call you whenever I have problems. I wish you would stop smoking and drinking so much for health's sake. I wish I could believe your words and trust you at all times.
Remember during courtship, you said you would try to like dogs because I love them? But now, you tell me you really can't stand them and you dislike animals. When I said I wanted to go on a cruise because I've never been on one, you said that cruises were boring (though you changed your mind later on and tried to accomodate me but I wasn't really keen on going on a cruise anymore). When I said that I was envious when I saw the rest of my coursemates busy calling/sms-ing their loved ones to bitch about the exams, you told me not to worry about the exams. What I really wanted to say was they all had someone to turn to, and you weren't there for me.
A guy friend once said: "That's what men are like. We lie, we cheat, we do whatever we can just to get
Is that what is happening now? Was it because I was courted so easily that I am not treasured now? Were all your promises just lies and nonsense that you babbled because you were under the influence of alcohol? Can you then blame me for distancing myself from you time and time again?
Noone is perfect. Since I've chosen to go into a relationship with you, I would learn and try to accept your flaws and your shortcomings. I would try harder to overcome my own flaws and weaknesses too. Like you said, I'm a stubborn girl. Should the time come when my feelings for you are not strong enough to embrace these flaws and sustain this relationship, then I guess we are better off as friends.
When the bad times overshadow the good times, does it mean it's time for us to go our own separate ways?
Wednesday, April 26, 2006
In Loving Memory of
Ong Zai Zai,
You will be dearly missed.
You will always have a place in my heart.
She came into my life on 20th August 2004 and was only 2 months old then.
She was a glutton but never a fussy eater. I shared my food with her.
She loved soyabean curd, milk, peanuts, fishball crackers, cheese and bread.
She loved nibbling on my fingers but sometimes her hard nibbles drew blood.
She was a smart lil furball who loved crawling from my one arm to the other.
She also loved to crawl up my head, mess up my hair and sleep on my belly.
She would greet me and acknowledge my presence whenever I return home.
She squeaked when I flipped her over and tickled her belly.
She gave me loving licks and kisses on my lips.
She would rub her nose against mine.
She listened when I cried.
She brought me so much joy and laughter all this while.
As time passed, her thick luscious fur was reduced to a thinner coat. She lost quite a bit of weight and grew white fur behind her ears. But she was still as mischievous and greedy as ever.
I am going to miss the thuds of her falling on her back at night.
I am going to miss the kisses, the licks, the nibbles.
I am going to miss sharing food with her.
I am going to miss her company.
I am going to miss her squeaks.
I gave her all my attention and love and lavished all sorts of hammie luxuries on her. Perhaps, she left knowing that I have finally found someone else worthy of my love and attention. Sigh... Perhaps, I should have paid more attention to that big hard lump at her pee-hole that never stopped bleeding. It might have been a cancerous tumour which caused her death. Yet, she showed no signs of discomfort and had been eating well even till the day just before she died.
That night, movements became a problem for her usual active self. She was also having difficulty breathing properly. She didn't respond when I called her name and patted her. As hours passed, her breathing became more laboured and her eyes remained closed. Blinking back my tears, I continued to stroke her gently, telling her to go off to her hammie heaven.
She breathed her last and slipped away quietly into the silence of the wee morning hours on 25th April 2006.
Sunday, April 23, 2006Today is a special day for a special someone.
Happy 18th Birthday, Lil Sister!!!
Yay!!! You can finally accompany me to watch M18 movies. Haha... Anyway, no matter what a nuisance you are, how idiotic you can be, you are still my dearest xiaomei! Hope that wisdom and sensibility come with age for you. May all your wishes come true in the many years to come.
Last night, there was this insect that got under my shirt and crawled on my belly. Its size is twice that of a fruit fly. It is black in colour, has got a pair of wings and a body like a cricket. It also has got a proboscis like that of a mosquito. Anyway, I tried to kill it so many times, but it was super hardy and agile. It flew a little despite having wings. And I found out why when I finally managed to squash it.
Look at the splatter of red blood on the bottom left hand corner and the top right hand corner.
The freakin insect is filled with blood! Dead insect on the right side.
I've finally killed you! Bwahahahaha!!!
I don't know if it's a bloodsucker. But it sure has two different colours of blood in its system. One's red like mammalian blood and the other's greenish brown like common insect blood. Oh well...
I hate pests. Die, die, die! RAR!!!
Saturday, April 22, 2006I had a paper yesterday. And my sister wore my shorts to school by mistake. Got pissed off cos' I had no available shorts left. The rest had been washed up and being dried. Called up that lil' bugger and gave her a good tongue lashing. Fortunately one of the shorts got dried in the hot sun just in time.
Sigh... My fuse is short and my temper is getting from bad to worse these past few days. I am having extreme mood swings. I've already had 3 cycles of menses these two months. What is wrong with me?!
Not to mention, I have been feeling rather upset with Mike these few days. First, I made a rather unpleasant discovery. Then, I'm feeling insecure. I am ready to throw in the towel and call it quits. It's difficult being in a relationship. I am sick of doubting myself and subjecting myself to all these crap. Yes, there are happy times. But I am an unsatisfied lass. I've got a problem with trust and commitment. WHY?!
I've never burdened anyone, but myself with my past. I have always been battling with the inner demons on my own. And the repercussions? Occasional outbursts of temper. People have described me as being full of crap. But they don't understand me. I am unfathomable. Even I have problems understanding me sometimes. But I pity Mike or anyone who is close to me. It is mentally exhausting to be in a serious committed relationship with me. Things are so unpredictable. I am so unpredictable.
"I don't know what makes you happy. You are so difficult to please."
A lady once enlightened me to the fact that it's not easy being at the helm of things. It's not easy being a prodigy. As you climb higher, your friends gets fewer. Not many people are of my calibre, not many people can understand. Perhaps, I am the one who is complicating matters.
I have said this many times -
I don't belong in this era.
And it's true.
I am, but a lonely old soul, wandering to find her purpose in life.
P.S: Please do not try to make sense of what I have written above. I am not liable for any brain haemorrhage that may occur.
Tuesday, April 18, 2006*stinks the blog with my perspiration*
Just came back from jogging. I know it's dangerous to jog at night. Lotsa people have been telling me that. Even Baby have been nagging at me. BUT, who in the right mind would want to attack an ugly girl who looks extremely capable of defending herself? Oh well...
Anyway, I overheard
First, I worry bout my mom's health and safety. Then, I worry bout the household chores. Haha... Argh!!! Nightmare...
Oh, Baby gets jealous really easily. Then again, maybe cos' I caught him in a bad mood. Heh! AND, his parents are also going overseas in late May too! Wahahhaa!!! I can already smell what's cooking. He is excited! I am excited! I told him I'm worried bout handling the housework and he invited me to stay over at his place. HA! He thinks I don't know what's ticking in his mind. A maid by day, a bolster by night. No, thank you. =p
Then this thought hit me out of the blue. I am being very selfish. How can I hold Mommy back from going on a holiday with her father and sisters just because I am overly dependent on her?! I should be more supportive of her and encourage her to go on this trip while she can still move around. I should also see this in a more positive light and take the chance to be more independent. I can do it! =D
I think I shall fork out money and pay for her air ticket. It's a treat from me and she can go brag about it! Haha... Nah, Mommy's not that much of a braggart. My mom's a very noble woman and I've still got many things to learn from her.
All of us are as busy as a bumblebee... Sigh... Can't wait for the hols!
Yeah! Going swimming tomorrow. Okie! Gotta go bathe now, stinking up the whole room as well. Toodles!
Friday, April 14, 2006I am pissed. Very pissed.
Anger is like a wild mare that I have not yet mastered total control over.
Anger is a demon that destroys you from within.
I finally know where my sister has inherited her fuckin fly-aeroplane attitude from - my mom.
And for that, I have released the reins of the wild mare.
For that, I have unleashed the inner demon.
Hence, the people around me are bearing the brunt of my fiery temper. Some deserved it, some don't.
Anger has no eyes.
It sees not who it stings.
Anger has no heart.
It cares not who it hurts.
Anger has no limits.
It destroys all in its path.
I am hopeless.
"But I ain't no angel and have no desire to be. I am a devil and have evil thoughts. We all do. Only I show it more than you."
From Charlette's blog
How very well said. You are not alone, girl. Those are my exact sentiments.
Thursday, April 13, 2006I have never thought myself to be a pessimist. It has never occurred to me that I view things so negatively around me. Yet, friends have been commenting that I'm not optimistic enough.
So this was what happened between Baby and me last week during our second argument.
Me: If you do see some other girl you fancy, just go ahead and woo her.
Me: I've got no self-confidence ok. I've got really serious self-esteem issues.
Him: Oh, so you mean you don't care? Even if there are other girls coming after me, you don't care? I see. Ok, I'm off to bed. Good night. Bye.
He didn't heard what I said earlier and neither did he give me a chance to explain. Baby loves jumping to conclusions. And that got me pissed. I know he was trying to test my reaction, to see if I'll get jealous or not. Before that, he was telling me about how this other girl was trying to get him to go out with her but he made it clear he had no intentions of going out with this other girl.
I smsed him to try to explain. But I was speechless. He replied that he was very disappointed with me, but he was waiting for my explanation. I ignored him for 3 full days, partially cos I was pissed and also because I wanted to concentrate on a test on the coming Friday.
Instead of getting all riled up and turning into the green eye monster, I told him to go pursue his own happiness. Is it wrong of me? Perhaps. But I know I'm not pretty, I don't have a good figure and I'm so tomboyish. In terms of physical aspects, I've already lost out to like 90% of the female population out there. I am scared to death of misplacing my trust. I am holding back so much. But am I to be blamed?! I've got my self-esteem whacked once. Further more, inner conflicts are such a pain in the ass. Everytime I see a pretty girl, I would be thinking - How I wish I've got a figure like hers, How I wish I've got such nice hair like hers, How I wish I've got such nice facial features like hers. I would even go to the extent of asking myself if Baby likes the girl I saw or not.
Fortunately, the argument was resolved on Friday night when we finally sat down to have a good talk. I don't want to go too much into the details but Baby was really very sweet and understanding. Too understanding that it was too good to be true.
Sooner or later, this relationship is gonna be wrecked by my own self-doubt. Sigh...
By the way, do guys really speak the truth when they are drunk?
My cousin has been discharged from the hospital on Monday. All's well but she has to be constantly reminded not to move around too much. I still have not visited her at home since she was discharged. Work's catching up on me, but I should be visiting her this coming weekend.
Anyway, I should be on a short break again till end April due to assignments and exams. But do continue to check this space for sporadic updates. Oh yar! I desperately need another round of manicure and pedicure. But I need time for the nails to grow. My fingernails are bitten and the skin on da toes are so dry and rough. EWWwww... All right, back to my jogging routine. Ciao!
Sunday, April 09, 2006Just a quick update on the past week as I've been pretty busy.
Had another argument with Baby on Wednesday. Moral of the story:- Don't risk the relationship by putting it to a test like that. Baby says I need to have more confidence in myself and faith in our relationship. I'm trying, I'm trying. Sigh... Conflict was resolved 2 days later. Details in next post.
My young cousin was admitted into the hospital on Thursday when the pain in her stomach became much too unbearable. Initial scan showed a 15cm cyst in the abdominal area. A surgery was needed to remove that cyst as soon as possible.
Took a taxi down to SGH immediately after my test on Friday. Cousin's surgery was arranged at a 1.30pm time-slot today. Alas, I reached SGH only at 2pm. Had an agonising 3 hour wait before she was wheeled out. The operation was a success. My aunt, her mom, heaved a sigh of relief. Poor aunt... Cried her eyes out the night before and was worried sick. We, together with my another cousin Madeline who is her sister, kept her company till 8pm. Then my mom, 2nd aunt and 5th aunt came to visit her. We left at around 9pm to fetch my sis from school.
Went to keep my cousin company again on Saturday afternoon. Met Yvonne while on my way to SGH. Cousin was looking much better, not so pale and was in the mood to joke and laugh. Haha... That was good. But she still need to be mindful of her surgical wound. And we had to constantly remind her to be careful. She said she felt like laughing whenever she sees my face. -.-" Is that a compliment? Haha... Baby says he is so proud that I am able to bring so much happiness to the people around me. And I'm so blessed to have him.
It's Sunday. I'm going down to keep my cousin company again. If all goes well, hopefully she can be discharged tomorrow. Cooked porridge for her today, but mom provided the ingredients. Haha.. But first, gotta go get some birthday pressies. Okie! Gotta run! Will update again soon.
Monday, April 03, 2006I've decided to catch up on some leisure reading just now since I have some free time. Came across something really funny and unexpected in the March 2006 issue of Reader's Digest.
From Laughter, The Best Medicine
Three guys were fishing when one of them hooked a mermaid. She promised to grant each of them a wish if they'd let her go.
"It's a deal," the first fisherman said. "I'd like you to double my intelligence." Immediately, he began to recite Shakespeare's Macbeth.
"Wow!" the second man excalimed. "Could you triple my intelligence?" Hed'd no sooner made the request than he started spouting Einstein's equations on the theory of relativity.
"That's amazing!" the third fisherman yelled. "Quintuple my intelligence."
"Are you sure?" the mermaid asked. "You might not like the outcome."
"I'm sure. Just do it," the guy said.
He closed his eyes to wait for the wish to be granted and - poof! - he became a woman.
Contributed by Danny Hochstetler
WAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Sexist, but still a joke nonetheless.
Whoever said women are a weaker sex?
Saturday, April 01, 2006It is repulsive that beneath a naive-looking sweet facade lies such uncouth interior.
How very true the old saying of - Never judge a book by its cover - is.
As much as I hate to admit this, but this entry is posted for the sole reason of rebutting a
Stupidity = No common sense
So I digress.
Anyway, there was this blogger who was ranting and raving 'bout what the big deal bout students wearing coloured bras to schoosl is. Gathering from what I read in her blog entry, she does not see the logic in the schools' objection to their students wearing coloured bras to schools. She also objected rather violently to the rule some schools set in order to deter their students from wearing coloured bras to schools.
"COME ON MAN, WHAT IS FUCKING WRONG WITH COLOURED BRAS?"
*takes a deep breath and struggles to keep in control* Well, my dear girl, there is nothing wrong with coloured bras, except that the outstanding colours of these bras may attract a lot of unwanted attention (ogling, leer grins, etc.) and may also lead to unnecessary troubles (sexual harrassment, molestation, rape, etc.). Sure sure, your rebuttal could be that I am making assumptions. But surely, prevention is better than cure, is it not?
"Come on la, they will just stare at them and then start to fantasize only."
*takes a deeper breath* Well well, I am going to assume again that you failed rather miserably in the Department of Human Behaviour. Then again, one need not take up psychology courses to know that the human behaviour is unfathomable. What if fantasies turn into reality? Not every human is immune to temptations. Besides, not every female is such an exhibitionist as you are.
"So you can imagine whole day teachers just looking at girl's boobs hoping it's coloured and then embarrass that poor girl by telling her to remove it and confiscate it."
*breathes in and out into a paper bag* Ok! Not all teachers are that euphoric to take part in such maniacal activities. On the contrary, it is the male teachers who are more embarrassed to have to avert their eyes from such sight. Neither are all teachers that free to wait in one corner and pounce on the student just to catch her for breaking the school rule. There may be a handful of bad eggs in the local education system, but let's not generalise here. Instead, have faith and trust in that the teachers know what is best for our students.
"Confiscate song song then give back all the colourful bras to the student when she grad ah? Or set up funfair then sell all the colourful bras to raise funds?"
*coughs and sputters* Wow, you sure have a very active mind, letting your imagination run so wild like that.
"Fuck man, if i were to be caught for such, i will call my father and then you will smell ba-wu."
*coughs and sputters again* Heh, that will only happen under 3 circumstances.
a) Your father is the Minister for Education.
b) Your grandfather is our dear Minister Mentor Lee.
c) In your dreams.
"Why can only wear white? Match the uniform ah? Then uniform green so can only wear green bra? SIAO SI BO?"
*injects a small dosage of sedatives* Ermm yeah, very siao (crazy). You are the siao one. Goodness, use a bit of common sense. The bottom line is, not to wear bras that has outstanding colours especially if the school uniforms are of a light colour or thin material.
"Protect and nurture your student, not rip them off their self-esteem and embarrass them."
*squeezes the stress ball* Well, isn't that exactly what schools are trying to do by discouraging students from wearing coloured bras to school?! Trying to protect them from the possibilities of having their modesty outraged and teaching them basic social etiquette - to look presentable when they go out into the working world in the future.
"Girls who wear colours other than white or grey are told to remove their bra, confiscated by the sch and then remain bra-less for the rest of the damn day."
Besides, I believe schools would not be so unreasonable as to go to the extent of making the culprits go bra-less for the rest of the damn day. Even if there was such a statement being made, it could be just to deter students from making the mistake but no such action will be really carried out. Or it could be just the words from a certain teacher and his/her words do not represent the school's decision on the whole.
Last but not least,
Reader S says - "Does wearing white bring moral upbringing to those kids? Does wearing white means they are good? Fuck la.. this is total rubbish ... just let them wear what them want."
Geez, that is purely your own speculation, your own wild imagination at work. Since when did schools strongly believe that the colour white means good and since when did anyone expect that wearing white coloured garments will 'bring moral upbringing to those kids'? If that is the case, then the uniforms of prisoners should all be white then. Yeah, your opinion is 'total rubbish'.
To set the record straight once and for all, schools really have the best interests at heart for their students. You could have misinterpreted what the news article was trying to say, or the journalist could have misinterpreted what the schools were trying to say/do. Whatever it is, there is a serious miscommunication here.
I studied in an all girls' school for 10 years of my life, primary and secondary schools. My secondary school uniform was a white translucent top made of a relatively thin material. Day in and day out, some students, usually the sports girls, wore either ultra bright neon coloured or dark distinguishable undergarments. Soon, more girls including non-sports girls, also got caught in the frenzy of wearing bras with outstanding colours. My my, it did cause quite a stir inside and outside of the school.
The solution that my secondary school came up with was that students are disallowed from wearing these bras. The designs have to be simple and the only colours allowed were white, beige, light grey, light brown and cream. Any students caught wearing bras with outstanding colours would have to go to the school bookstore to purchase a set of white cotton bra for $3 a piece and change into it. Of course, several warnings were given before the rule was set.
I think I'll rest my case here before I go mad and start acting like this:-
Heh, I think I've got too much free time on my hands. Alright, shall go have my dinner and revise for an upcoming test on Monday.
in 1822, William Herschel discovered (Ur)anus
desires for 2007
+ a good man to settle down with
to be done soon
+ lose more weight
movies watchlist 2007